A bit of the old ultra violence

Yea last night wasn’t going very well. I can’t really explain it, honestly. It’s just depression and then a multitude of other things tacked onto that, and I was having this crushing anxiety and I kept trying to do other things like tumblr or twitter and trying to be laughing or happy but it wasn’t working. 

I wasn’t at the point where I wanted to end it all (though I’ve been there before, and I’ve attempted) but I was feeling this feeling that I get a lot, which is that I don’t deserve to be happy. Obviously, I don’t deserve much. I’ve done nothing to deserve happiness. And a lot of the time I get this overwhelming feeling that I don’t deserve to be without pain. So I cut. I don’t actually do it often, even though the feeling’s there. Sometimes when I get that feeling I just write down all the things I hate about myself and stare at it until I can’t take it anymore and I take a few pills and go to sleep so I don’t have to deal (weak, I know). But sometimes I want to remind myself that I don’t deserve to be free of pain. I deserve to hurt. So sometimes I pull out a razor and just saw at my arm or leg until it turns into a welt or the skin eventually breaks. I know some people do it to escape pain. I do it to feel it. And I like to feel it for days afterward, when it burns where my clothes rub against it. It reminds me of what my place in the world is. 

So, last night I got to that place. But I promised myself that if I actually did it, I would take pictures of it and confess it and put it on here for all my followers to see. I went through the thought process that if I did it and someone wanted to berate me or shame me for it, that would just increase the affect. However, I thought about how disappointed all of you guys would be in me, for letting myself become that weak. I think that, coupled with some other things, kept me from actually going through with it. I took a few pills and went to sleep, with Soaked playing on repeat on my laptop in my bed, and I felt a little better this morning. Feeling is still there, but it’s slipped back under the surface now. 

So yea, thank you to Adam (because he’s so much more than the music, to me) and thanks to all those of you who have cared enough to instill in me the notion that you’d probably rip my head off for doing these things. Thanks. :)